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Joke of the Day

"If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions. I'd be living in Government Assisted Housing."

"What Johnny Mercer song does December 21st remind you of? Autumn Leaves."

"[DIRTY] Eye exam Eye specialist: ""Sir, you need to stop masturbating."" &nbsp; Patient: "" Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?"" &nbsp; Eye specialist: ""No. It's disturbing the other patients."""

"What do you call a Woman who can balance 3 pints of Lager on her head? Beatrix"

"Of course women are funny. Why else would there be so many jokes about them."

"When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left."

"What's the similarity between Nike and the KKK? They both make black men run faster."

"[Couples counseling] ""It's not good to keep these things bottles up, you know"" Okay, fine *opens jar of wasps*"

"I just took a huge shit. I don't know who it belongs to, but I took it."

"My Car spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of people And My Korean friend screams ""Hit the Blakes"" & I'm like ""I can't be that selective"""