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Joke of the Day

"I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying."

"Every time Beyonce types out her name, she has to google ""Pokemon"" and then copy/paste the ""e""."

"How does the Mexican national anthem start? Jose can you see....."

"ok be honest with me here. level with me a sec. mint choc chip ice cream. it's just cold toothpaste right. don't horseshit around with me"

"If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV."

"I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question."

"[""Platonic"" male friend rams car through my bedroom wall] I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????"

"I love collective nouns: a pod of dolphins, a mob of kangaroos, a Gosselin of douches."

"I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone."

"Today I rented a prostitute... It was whore-ible"