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Joke of the Day

"I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying."

"Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette"

"I take my women just how I take my hair conditioner with silicone"

"Poured Tresemme on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent"

"Yeah that chicken's free range. I just freed that shit onto my range. Some in the oven too."

"What do you call a lad that put on his glasses? Seymour."

"Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's deep fryer"

"My friend once asked me if I would have sex with a christian girl without a condom. It's okay, God will protect us."

"Sometimes I put my head between my legs and fall forward. Thats how I roll."

"Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine."