131437

Joke of the Day

"December 1 is the biggest day in the plumbing business as millions of ill-prepared men shave their mustaches over a sink"

"The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?"

"Did you know you can use voice-to-text on Twitter so this tweet came from my mouth and also stop staring at me people on this bus."

"Apparently when I'm at Olive Garden I'm family. So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay."

"Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!"

"The Fortune Teller, came true! I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?"

"""Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you've been wearing the same outfit all week is you"" - my fashion blog"

"Why was the little drop of ink so sad? Because his father was in the pen, and he didn't know how long the sentence was!"

"How does the moon cut its hair? Eclipse it. Ha."

"Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR? Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!! http://imgur.com/2TKdb"