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Joke of the Day

"Why did Mr. Clinton want to become President? Because it pays the bills."

"I'm at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous"

"I like my women like I like my third games in a series by Valve... I think they're gonna be great, but they never seem to come."

"Turns out it wasn't vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka."

"My ex-wife is a Virgo... But to me, she'll always be a Cancer..."

"Why do Jews try avoiding Jewpiter? Because its a gas planet! Its also why Hitlers gas bills were so high. *i intentionally said Jewpiter instead of Jupiter*"

"The host of a party said, ""Make yourself at home,"" so I got comfortable. Turns out English was his second language and he was ordering me to leave :("

"The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band"

"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus You only need one nail for the picture"

"Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy's before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks"