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Joke of the Day

"Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits in your wife's clothing."

"My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor's flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, ""whew. Close call."""

"Is it a coincidence that as soon as Bruce Jenner turns into a female, that she becomes a bad driver? Too soon?"

"I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won't find them."

"[NSFW] What do snakes and condoms have in common? I don't fuck with either of them."

"Did you hear the news about half-life 3 Me neither"

"Why did adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side"

"if she doesn't reciprocate ur first ""i love u"", press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say ""oh cool u love me too? nice"""

"What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice."

"You know what is blown out of proportions? Overweight suicide bombers."