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Joke of the Day

"pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky pilot: not now gary"

"What do you call a Mexican whose car has been stolen? Carlos"

"What do you mean mom, how could my birth certificate be expired?"

"I don't care if you're a dog person or a cat person, I generally don't date anyone with a tail."

"Life's a jungle let's go to your place and fuck like animals!"

"A children's museum SOUNDS like a good idea... ...but I would imagine it's hard to breathe inside those little glass cases."

"We need to run the government like a business. Specifically a Quizno's with a bat infestation, staffed by emotionally unbalanced retirees."

"You want to hear a funny joke? I said hear not read, you fuck."

"Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill."

"Mom: Want to come over for dinner? Me: No thanks, already ate Mom: What did you have? Me: Peanut butter Mom: With? Me: Spoon"