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Joke of the Day

"Four years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. (not an original)"

"last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house :D"

"Him: Are you mad? Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: No, I'm fine, why?"

"Why wouldn't Dolores let William eat the corn? Because the maize isn't meant for him."

"Knock Knock. Who's there? Knock Knock. Who's there? Knock Knock KNOCK KNOCK. Who is there? The pilot."

"Today I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day."

"""Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption"" the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me."

"I was going to make a joke about anal... But fuck it"

"What do you call a cow...? What do you call a cow that's missing a leg? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow that's masturbating? Beef Strokin-Off"

"My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. ""Eleven,"" I replied. ""Wow! You must be a player,"" she laughed. ""No,"" I said, ""I'm their coach."""