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Joke of the Day

"if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free"

"Did you guys hear what happened to Helen Keller? Neither did she."

"Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: You're on your own, Idiot."

"I called an old friend and asked how he's been. He said ""living the dream."" I told him, hey good to hear. Turned out he just has dissociative identity disorder."

"Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field."

"Quick: how do you un-shake a baby?"

"I hate how Apple took away the headphone socket all willy-nilly It's like it means jack shit to them"

"And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?"" asks mother. Come on mom, the most important thing is that I'm healthy!"

"MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have? ME (through tears): A...a friend"

"Hitler wasn't that bad of a guy He was only doing what he thought was reich."