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Joke of the Day

"I opened the door last night to carol singers & said ""Do you know Silent Night?"" ""Yes"" they replied ""Well piss off then because I want one!"""

"What does a healthy dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose!"

"Why did the computer programmer get stuck in the shower forever? Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said to ""1. Lather 2. Rinse 3. Repeat"""

"My friend had a bad experience with ice once He told me he was traumiticed"

"Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier... if my wardrobe wasn't so fabulous!"

"[shopping] May I help you find something? ""Where are the giants?"" What? ""Your sign outside says there's a giant sale."""

"The iCloud leaks weren't an accident at all. It was Apple trying to make up for causing Adam and Eve to have to wear clothes in the first place."

"if you are on a magazine cover with the headline 'my new body' and that body is not, like, a cheetah or horse, missed opportunity"

"Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back"

"pleas tune into my next podcast where i ask what the FUCK angry birds is and viciously mock the first piece of shit caller to answer me"