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Joke of the Day

"Love is a lot like magic, both are fake and there's always some asshole trying to ruin the illusion for you."

"How do fish lose weight? They Swim-fast."

"*buys shed at B&Q* B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself? Me: No, it's going in the garden. B&Q: Me: B&Q: I can't help you anymore."

"IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar? ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really? ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian."

"If Twitter weren't for unconsidered blather, they wouldn't have named it after bird noises."

"My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can't get laid."

"I remember 2016... Just like it was yesterday."

"Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something."

"Abortions........ Really suck the life outta you"

"I like my upvotes like I like my women. .. One at a time and not very often."