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Joke of the Day

"My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can't get laid."

"""Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?"" ""Not much, just working on my Theseus."""

"I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey."

"I'm 82 and I have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel. But it takes up too much room in my freezer... any suggestions?"

"(OC) what did dispatch say to the dog catcher when he asked if he was done for the day? You're golden retriever."

"You can't trust atoms... They make up everything."

"There are two types of people in this world: Those that pee in the shower....and dirty fucking liars."

"Will you marry me? Will you marry me = a marriage proposal Will, you, Marry, me = a foursome proposal"

"Sorry I'm shit faced Why did the midget go swimming in the kitchen? There were microwaves. Sorry I was drunk making popcorn."

"Why do white girls always stay in groups of odd numbers? Because they can't even..."