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Joke of the Day

"My wife has developed a fetish with salad items... Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass. And that was just the tip of the iceburg"

"Mom and Dad said I was bad for putting a cell phone in my vagina but I don't know why. I always come when I'm called."

"Judge: Guilty Me: Sayyoudidwhat. Judge: What did you say? Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence? *Stage dives into cheering jury*"

"Relationships and Algebra are very similar! Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?"

"Interviewer: How do you spell Mississippi? Redneck: Which one? The river or the state?"

"WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us? OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*"

"I got a new thesaurus. It's terrible. On top of that, it's also terrible."

"Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3? Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was."

"""Vini Vidi Venti"" --I came, I saw, I ordered the large coffee at Starbucks."

"I'm currently dating a woman that, like me, has Parkinson's and kleptomania. We're going to take things slow."