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Joke of the Day

"There was a blackout last night... Don't worry, I got him."

"Luis Suarez has confessed he had planned on biting Wayne Rooney. However,he also said he doesn't like the taste of shit."

"HER: I'd invite you in, but I never kill on a first date ME: kill? HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect ME: we are talking out loud"

"If you hate us so much, stop using our Internet"

"What's Christopher Nolan's favorite song? BBBRRAAAAAAAHHHHHMMM...'s lullaby."

"whenever I see ""likes her own status"" on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux."

"My girlfriend says I treat her like an object. I don't know why it keeps saying that."

"Why can't you have two Apple watches? Because then it would be a pair (pear)!"

"If you're ever chased by a police dog ...don't run over a see-saw, crawl through a tunnel or jump through a hoop. They're trained for that sort of thing"

"How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it."