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Joke of the Day

"A guy calls his boss and asks him: Guy: What's the difference between this morning and your daughter? Boss: I don't know. Guy: I'm not coming in this morning!"

"[flirting at Taco Bell] Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help. [seconds later] Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair."

"I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don't rub it in."

"What do you call an old barometer? Weathered."

"How did the 5-year old girl fall off of the tire swing? Somebody shot her."

"A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer... I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick..."

"I have only ever completed 2 successful high-fives."

"How do you disappoint a redditor? Come back when this post is 10 hours old for the results!"

"Growing up, I had a best friend. When we first met we didn't see eye to eye, but then he grew on me."

"SEX DICK: What's ur favorite planet? VAG: URANUS!!!!"