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Joke of the Day

"-You think I'd make a bad Private Eye 'cause I can't read body language? I will prove you wrong! -Sir, you're talking to the murder victim"

"Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water."

"What'd the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip."

"People say filling animals with helium is wrong but i say, whatever floats your goat."

"RIP time spent on Twitter."

"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank hot chocolate before it was cool."

"*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it's nest* HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!"

"What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern? No, seriously, I want to know."

"Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day. Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy."

"Where do old bowling balls end up? In the gutter!"