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Joke of the Day

"You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I'd be watching a drunk holding a newborn."

"""I have no porpoise!"" -existential marine biologist."

"Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette"

"Me: I'll write u a haiku! Her: I'm just impressed u know how to spell haiku. Me: *deletes ""how to spell high-koo"" from browser history*"

"On allegations of Mayweather beating his wife... He was undefeated, he couldn't let her win."

"I'm having an out of money experience."

"Using my son's raincoat as a hat so my hair doesn't get messed up. He's doing the cutest little shivers!"

"Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you're just like... nah"

"A guy says to God: ""God... ... to you a minute is like a million years and a penny is like a million dollars. So, could you give me a penny?"" God replies ""Sure, in a minute"""

"*checks WebMD* Holy crap, I need an ambulance! *checks insurance deductible* Nevermind, I'll just take a vitamin or something."