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Joke of the Day

"WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one."

"OLD MAN: I fought in WWII ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio OLD MAN: what ME: Can you rocket jump? OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won"

"[Calls boss] I'm gonna be late... ""How late?"" *Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego* I've no idea to be honest with you..."

"Say what you will about us hypocrites, but the standards we claim to have are WAY higher than yours."

"They say one in every 3 neighbors is a pedophile Thankfully there isn't one next to me... just 2 smoking hot 6 year olds."

"in GTA5 my dude was driving fast and I got a text IRL. when I looked down at my phone I crashed & flew out the windshield. #ItCanWait"

"I'LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY. ... ""...Ma'am, this is a preschool..."""

"LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills. ME: I think the line is 'particular'. LIAM NEESON: Nope! *He rollerblades away juggling dogs*"

"What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your whole day, while anal sex makes your hole weak."

"When Tom Cruise is driving, he says ""Now in Cruise Control!"" with this stupid smirk on his face even when there's no one else in the car."