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Joke of the Day

"I'm supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?"

"Fellas, imagine having your balls roughly kneaded for two days straight. Congratulations you just experienced menstrual cramps."

"A Quebecer staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. ""Black pepper, or white pepper?"" asked the concierge. ""Toilette pepper!"" yelled the Quebecer."

"What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable? Putting the wheelchair in the oven"

"What do you call a bean that's good at silent acting? A pintomime."

"Girls: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Guys: I don't mind Girls: Like a huge mess Guys: ok Girls: Like dead bodies on fire Guys: ok"

"I told my girlfriend I would see her next year before I left for work She laughed because she got the joke. I wasn't joking. I'm leaving her"

"Crazy how Hillary Clinton could possibly be our first F President... I would've said Female President but someone deleted the emale."

"Marriage counselor to new patients: Before discussing a couples differences, I first like to hear what they have in common. Husband: Fine. We both hate to suck cock."

"when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent"