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Joke of the Day

"martha stewart put a drop of citrus oil in the bong water and i cant even be mad at her. in fact it is the opposite emotion"

"I don't want Harriet Tubman on my $20's I don't want them to be worth 3/5 of their value"

"Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there'll only be 2 ""hits""; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels."

"When women go wrong, men go right after them."

"So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?"

"What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute the rooster says cockadoodledoo a prostitute says anycockwilldo"

"Do let me know if you're ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You're welcome :)"

"""I'm not really supposed to do this,"" says the Verizon employee, showing you the setting on your phone that unbinds love from sorrow."

"For those of you who voted for Trump... You did the Reich thing."

"Two tachyons are sitting in a gaming cafe when a normal particle walks in. The first tachyon looks over its shoulder and says, ""Fucking causals."""