126731

Joke of the Day

"Alien: We've returned, show us what you built with our technology Egyptians: ... Aliens: ... Egyptians: ok don't be mad"

"I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings."

"My dad wears loosey-whities."

"What did the 8 say to the 0? Hey, fatty"

"My mom was in a horrible car accident on her way to pick up lunch today. It's really bad guys, I need your prayers. I'm so hungry."

"I saw a man at a circus put his head in a lion's mouth ...and that's still the only big cat blowjob I've ever witnessed."

"I've never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo."

"A girl says to a salesman, ""I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."" He says, ""Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"""

"""Daddy, what does 'autonomous' mean?"" ""Do your own fucking homework!"""

"Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie."