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Joke of the Day

"How do you know when someone is gluten free? Don't worry, they'll tell you. ""Exit stage right...."""

"My stepfather, beating me black and blue, was no accident. Just a terrible faux pa."

"My 9 year daughter asked me: ""Daddy can we buy money?"" ... Me: Buy money? Using what? Daughter: Aaa ... Apples? Me: That's called ""Selling Apples"" not buying money."

"Black Friday through the years: 2005: 5am 2010: 3am 2012: 12am 2013: Thursday 8pm 2014: Thursday 2020: 4th of July"

"""Be cool, be cool, be cool"" ~me before I'm about to not be cool."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? ... To get to your house. Knock Knock *Who's there?* The chicken!"

"[wearing World's Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt"

"How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's a hardware problem"

"Vampire who is obsessed with his diet. -Count Calories"

"Just saw two 10 year old boys sharing a cigarette. I was really shocked and upset so I gave them money to buy a pack."