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Joke of the Day

"My girl told me she's depressed. Because of her weight, she suffers discrimination. I told her ""Just ignore them. You're bigger than that."""

"I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don't know. I'm still working it out."

"my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds"

"I've been told I'm not ambitious enough... If only there was an Olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine."

"An Irishman walks out of a bar Wait that was a priest...."

"Me: You can just keep that pen. Coworker: Sure? Me: Yeah. I noticed you don't wash your hands in the restroom. Cw.. Me: I told everyone."

"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't."

"At first I was reluctant to fix my broken fence... but then I just had to repost."

"IDGAF if you're black, white, yellow, brown or blue. Well, I do if you're blue, I'll stop and give you CPR if you're blue."

"If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I'm going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart."