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Joke of the Day

"People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust. Most of the guards survived didn't they?"

"What does the broken clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds!"

"What's the hardest part about walking through a field of dead hookers? Your erection."

"Hi, Can I domesticate you?"

"Trying to grab something out of my minivan while the automatic door is closing is the most Indiana Jones-y part of my day."

"ME: my son ran away COP: we won't rest until we find him ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush"

"For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones."

"What do you call herpes on a scarecrow? A corn on the cob"

"Fun Fact: If someone's car alarm keeps going off, you're legally obligated to set the car on fire."

"i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch"