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Joke of the Day

"What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower."

"It's my ninth anniversary on Twitter. I could not have done it without my ex-wife and my kids whose names I no longer remember."

"[dj voice] ""What's up Dad Party!"" *dads go nuts* ""I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?"" [dads in unison] DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT"

"I get all my cardio from sex.... That's why I'm so fat."

"I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I'll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years."

"A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor I have yellow teeth what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!"

"No matter how long I wait to pretend I just noticed the other person walking toward me in a long corridor, I always nod too soon."

"Why are there no gay suicide bombers? They can find millions of virgins just by going on Reddit."

"I walked into my glass door today Oh the pane..."

"Ever heard of a sex position called a 71? Its a 69, and each partner puts a finger up their partners butt!"