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Joke of the Day

"If you're with me when I die, remember 2 things: 1) Do Not Resuscitate 2) Smash Phone on Ground"

"Nigerian Billionaire Helps Rescue Failing Banks"

"RETOOT I was enjoying a drink at a gay bar when the guy next to me farts. I turn to him and say, 'That's the worst pick up line I've ever heard"

"You're worried about rats in the walls? How is that any of your business? When was the last time you went inside your own walls?"

"Where does Santa stash his money? In a snowbank."

"Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue? Are aliens their primary customers?"

"Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He started eating before it was cool."

"'You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!' -pimples."

"Friend told me he buffed up without any protein shakes. No whey."

"Me: Got your nose! Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here."