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Joke of the Day

"""Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me."" (*folds a fitted sheet*) ""TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"""

"How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later."

"What do you call a chubby girl who's cranky, has bad breath and doesn't screw? You don't call her."

"How many police men does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter...they'll just beat the room for being black."

"What is six inches long and stiff in the morning? Crib death."

"Which programming language got a sex change? Fortranny"

"Me: Can u send me those documents? Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by-- Me: Nope, don't try teaching me to fish. Not interested."

"How many topologists does it take to change a baby? Assuming the baby can be transformed into the shape of a light bulb, only one."

".@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven."

"You guys are even more beautiful now that I'm wearing my ""wine glasses""."