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Joke of the Day

"""Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me."" (*folds a fitted sheet*) ""TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"""

"My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell ""OMG! I'm on my way now!"" & tell them my brother had a bad car accident."

"How did the girlfriend satisfy her secretly gay boyfriend? I don't know, I guess she really had him pegged."

"Why does the homeless man only drink coffee? He had no proper tea.."

"This is a math joke So x^2 goes to a x^3 and asks, do you believe in god. For a moment the x^3 pauses before responding, you know what, I do believe in higher powers."

"Don't listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They're just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn't anxious."

"Two guys walk into a bar... Don't you think the second guy would have ducked?"

"One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it."

"You remind me of my appendix... You remind me of my appendix. I have no idea what you do, but I'd love to take you out."

"[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter? Because they're not used to getting Snowden. (I'll see myself out)"