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Joke of the Day

"I did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq Thank you for the applause! Not enough people appreciate sex tourists."

"I love watching kids running in the park... They have no idea I'm shooting blanks"

"Looking forward to the time when my level of awkwardness becomes socially acceptable."

"What's big and hairy and goes 'beep beep'? A monster in a traffic jam."

"""I'm leaving you"" ""why?"" ""Your jokes are old and tiresome"" ""but, I can updog"" ""What's updog?"" ""NOTHIN, WHAT'S UP WI-"" *slams door*"

"Whats green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels."

"Confession: the entire time when I was forming the earth, I was using asteroids."

"I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life ...if I die next Tuesday."

"Damn girl, are you the sun? Because looking directly at you hurts my eyes."

"I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, ""I'll get on top."" I said, ""Great, I'll get the ladder."" She said, ""You sure think a lot of yourself, don't you?"""