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Joke of the Day

"Joan Rivers is just like Soldier Field... She used to be a National Historical Landmark before all of the modifications."

"Me: You're gorgeous Her: OMG that is so sweet, c'mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*"

"This tub of margarine doesn't believe it's me."

"TIFU by feeding my mogwai after midnight Whoops, wrong sub. By the way, if you see one, just throw it in the microwave for like 45 seconds."

"year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again"

"All my hostile pals are in hospitals."

"I can only fall asleep if someone kneels at my bedside with their mouth open & full of Pop Rocks"

"Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream."

"I have a bumper sticker in Braille If you can read this, you're driving too close."

"Did you hear about the guy who told everyone goodbye and then didn't leave? It was much adieu about nothing."