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Joke of the Day

"From the pilot during his welcome message: ""We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

"I have just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way."

"I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich. This one just told me i was adopted :("

"What did the monster say to his psychiatrist? 'I feel abominable.'"

"I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider."

"After 30 years I still can't figure out how to pronounce ""I'm a lesbian"" so it doesn't sound like ""keep bothering me."""

"Life isn't about the moments that take our breath away. That's asthma. You're thinking of asthma."

"What do you call gay Jewish people? REAL FRUIT JEWS xD"

"college is a lot like kindergarten except instead of going to school im smoking weed in my dorm at 1 pm"

"My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE."