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Joke of the Day

"[Being murdered] (with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)"

"What does a cow ride when his car is broken? A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!"

"The Easter Bunny doesn't always drink, but when he does it's hopscotch."

"The hardest part of eating a vegetable... Is the wheelchair."

"How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find."

"Bread is just bread until you drop it on the floor. Then it's toast."

"Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it."

"Alcohol is a perfect solvent. It dissolves marriages, families and careers."

"Did you hear about the Jewish couple that met during the Holocaust? They were star-crossed lovers."

"I cry when I cut my carrots because I don't want my onions to feel awkward."