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Joke of the Day

"There are 170 billion galaxies in the observable universe yet this woman claims this hummus is ""everything"""

"If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad's house"

"Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven't answered her email and she wouldn't know the new address to send it to."

"What was the most pivotal point in Jesus' ministry? When he turned the tables on the Temple vendors!"

"Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad."

"What's the difference between myxomatosis and Hugh Hefner? Myxomatosis doesn't need Viagra to fuck bunnies."

"Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultra sound guy."

"My friend once said, ""If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."" Now he's behind bars."

"Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, because then they feel like they're obligated to prove it."

"I dont tweet much abt my goal to poop every letter of the alphabet. Did the easy ones (C, J) yrs ago. Just toughies left. Your B & W. Your Q"