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Joke of the Day

"How many of my parents does it take to mow the lawn? None. They pay me to do it."

"My ex says he's dating someone new but according to his Instagram she's a sandwich"

"My grandpa has a heart of a lion... ... and a lifetime ban from the zoo."

"How do you make a baker cry? Kill his family"

"Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don't think that's a... Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!"

"I like my women like I like my golf score Mid eighties and with slight handicap."

"You're trapped in a room with a tiger a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice."

"Smiles from ear to ear. Wife: what are you smiling about? Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard Wife: God I love that dog."

"I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like."

"What does a woman's arsehole do when she is having great intercourse? He is at home taking care of the kids."