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Joke of the Day

"How are spinach and anal sex alike? Chances are if you didn't like it as a child, you're not going to like it as an adult."

"Some of you should not be allowed to procreate and if you have to google what procreate means, then I'm talking about you in particular."

"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."

"How do you confuse a man? You don't - they're born that way."

"How to give your woman 12 inches and make her bleed. Bang her twice and punch her in the mouth."

"I used to steal other people's jokes. I still do, but I used to, too"

"I dropped my glasses in the toilet today. Now everything looks like shit."

"*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn* Mom, I'm 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though."

"If you replaced Odysseus with Oedipus.. ..would a long series of journeys or wanderings be known as an Oedipussy?"

"Omg what a weekend - I don't need to eat again for the rest of this year. Is that cheesecake?"