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Joke of the Day

"You'd think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week."

"Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden."

"Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed."

"What does a trumpet player use as contraception? His personality."

"He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher... To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire. Coming soon to AMC: ""BAKING BRAD"""

"My wife says she is really looking forward to the hotel... But I have my reservations."

"Once I did a presentation on George Washington & was asked when he died, but I never looked it up, so I said ""He's alive in all of us today"""

"Come to the Dark Side... We have Girl Scouts! ... I mean, we have Brownies! ... Dang it, I mean, we have COOKIES"

"Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey."

"What do you call gay sound waves? Faghertz"