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Joke of the Day

"What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes."

"A young blonde, leaving home for a one week visit to New York, was told by her mother to put on clean socks every day. By the end of the week she couldn't get her shoes on."

"Me: do you like bad boys? Her: no Me: are you sure? Her: [covers her dog's ears] okay yes"

"""My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am."" - bumper sticker I put on my Ex's car"

"Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, ""what's your costume going to be?"" ""I'll be Bach"""

"Have you ever looked at someone's phone's selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?"

"Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?"

"The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)"

"You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you'll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you'll see their son crying"

"What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug addict? The prostitute can wash her crack and then use it again!"