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Joke of the Day

"No YOU'RE the stalker. (I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)"

"By now, I've stopped calling it ""sandwich"" meat and started calling it ""stand in front of the fridge and eat it out of the baggie"" meat."

"What do you call a liquid that spent all its money dissolving solute? [in]solvent"

"Two Whales are Sitting at a Bar One whale looks over to the other and says ""Eeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooouuuuuuu"" and the other whale looks at him and says, ""Man you're really fucked up"""

"What did Chewy say after episode VII? I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo solo"

"Today I swallowed two pieces of string... Later they came out tied together, I shit you knot."

"I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag."

"What's a mathematician's favorite kind of music? Logarithms"

"Toy Story 5: Jason Statham must deliver the last iPad to Uganda, in a prius, and he has to drift the entire trip or the car will explode"

"I am sad I can no longer get Arnold Palmer's at restaurants anymore But it looks like I can get an Arnold Embalmer now."