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Joke of the Day

"Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out"

"Me watching the Olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"

"Opinions are like mixtapes... I don't want to hear yours."

"Kim Kardashian's butt Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks? A: Silicon Valley."

"if i was a ghost i would probably still just watch netflix"

"What was the top item on Hitler's grocery list? Concentrated Juice."

"What did the young boy say to the pedophile who's dick was soft? Nothing, he died choking on cum."

"What's the difference between my wife and the dress? The dress is white and gold"

"My parents caught me masturbating. I wasn't ashamed, I was startled - I almost dropped their wedding picture."

"How do you get a fly out of the kitchen? Shit in the living room"