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Joke of the Day

"Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are. - Me, to myself, when I'm fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing."

"What did Hillary Clinton say to the battered black woman? We've both been beaten by a black guy, let's not let it happen again."

"*hot lady looks at me* Me: Hi! Do I know you? Lady: No I think I'm mistaken. *awkward pause* Me: So...is there a mister taken? *hit by bus*"

"I for one is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard"

"Damn girl, are you a cigarette? Cuz I don't want you unless I'm drunk and one of my friends is already having you."

"Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh"

"Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks, Awesome, now we're both barking"

"How do you make a gay guy scream twice in one evening? Fist fuck him then wipe your hands on his drapes."

"The joke's not here.... It's in the comments."

"Why did the dolphin commit suicide? Because his life had no porpoise"