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Joke of the Day

"Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan"

"*buys almond milk* ""I'm gonna get healthy!"" *drinks almond milk* ""This is gross."" *pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk* ""Perfect."""

"Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel."

"When does a Cub become a Boy-Scout? When he eats his first Brownie"

"A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""Sorry, I forgot to put up the caution tape!"" Edit: fixed spelling"

"I wish people would stop only talking about Jesus and just start acting like him."

"Why are seals such homebodies? Because clubbing isn't any fun."

"I just hope the government doesn't have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they're pretty embarassing."

"Q: What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand."

"Deja vu is just God fixing a typo and reposting."