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Joke of the Day

"My friend sure changed when she became a vegetarian... (fixed) I mean, she never actually told me she was a vegetarian. But they say you are what you eat. And now she's a vegetable."

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"[on a Speed date] pop quiz hotshot, if this date goes below 50 mph it explodes [her] that makes no sense [I mouth a tiny explosion sound]"
"[art store] You do free framing? ""With any purchase"" Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife's fingerprints] you know what to do"
"You said I could have my way with you. If you didn't want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should've been more specific."
"How can you tell if a Mobile software developer isn't enjoying his job? He isn't very App-y"
"""I have to poop"" ~What teenagers say when they don't want to do something you've asked them to do"
"What was the weather like at the rap concert? There was a Lil Wayne."
"""Just because you Can't dance, doesn't mean you Shouldn't dance."" Alcohol."
"Pessimist: This can't get any worse. Optimist: Yes it can!"
"Why are gay guys the first to check out of a hotel in the morning? Because they had their shit packed the night before"