121000

Joke of the Day

"This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, ""Would you please press 1?"" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards."

"Gym memberships are expensive, just tattoo biceps all over your body and eat all the cake you can find."

"One of My Ex's was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn't workout because all she wanted to do was SWING. I miss third grade."

"Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia? Egypt 8 - Ethiopia didn't...."

"Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted Wife: Ya? Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works Her:.. Me: No way a baby's gettin in here."

"Is it possible for God to be a Cheeto Puffed? Because these taste pretty fucking great. EDIT: I'm getting downvoted but figure this is the reddit algorithm! cheeky cunts"

"Kill the man Cop: ""Did you kill this man?"" Me: ""No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."""

"Teacher to student: ""Make a sentence using the word ""I"" Student: ""I is.."" Teacher: ""No that is not correct, you should say I am"" Student: ""Ok. I am the ninth letter in the Alphabet""!"

"I would never let MY child act like that. -things my friends without kids say."

"What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog? Out, out, damned Spot!"