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Joke of the Day

"And now the most difficult task known to man: Quickly boarding a plane, stowing your carry-on, and sitting the fuck down."

"Why did the vampire have to get glasses? Because he was blind as a bat! (My 4 year old sister came up with this one yesterday)"

"Facebook tells me today is ""National Winnie the Pooh Day"" ... I hope they're ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office"

"My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy"

"The French Navy Q: Why does the new French navy have glass-bottomed boats? A: So they can see the old French navy."

"First blowjob Guy: I got my first blowjob today. Friend: Was she good? Guy: She sucks."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Ada ! Ada who ? Ada'mond is forever !"

"Her: Let's go shopping. Me: In your dreams. Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi. Me: Why are we still here?"

"[bum holds his hand out] ""can I have some change?"" change comes from within ""thank u. now I'm not poor anymore"""

"Person I tried to rob describing me to the police: ""long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn't seem very committed to it."""