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Joke of the Day

"*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers"

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"Most women turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out for women turning"
"Now I can't wear my nude crystal dress this weekend. Thanks, Rihanna."
"Why do heroine addicts rarely have meetings late in the afternoon? Because it's dangerous to shoot for 3 or even 4."
"What is white and gold and black and blue? A blonde in a physically abusive relationship. See you guys in hell."
"Why did the blonde start rubbing toothpaste on her vagina? She heard it helps reduce cavities."
"What Happened when Feminist's found out about Reddit? Well they [deleted]"
"What's the difference between a crackhead and a methhead? Toothless methheads give better $3.50 blowjobs"
"Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit ? They are both ginger nuts !"
"*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do* Wife: Where's Brian? Me: [studying her closely] He's... right here?"