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Joke of the Day

"*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do* Wife: Where's Brian? Me: [studying her closely] He's... right here?"

"if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say ""i too am a spooky ghost"""

"WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it's the big yellow house with a guy on the roof"

"ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days"

"hey girl are u from tennessee cause u have a tennessee accent and i have ur birth certificate here and it says ur from tennessee"

"After spending 45 minutes eavesdropping on a crazy girl giving advice to another crazy girl, I really don't know how we're not extinct yet."

"I saw a homeless man holding a sign. It said, ""2 will change my life."" Unfortunately, I only had a 5 note in my pocket."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"Did you hear about the Indian man who was recently employed as a comedian? He got a punjabi."

"Need a Polygon ? Why not Trape**z**oidberg"