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Joke of the Day

"Me: What the hell do you want? Him: Um, YOU called ME."

"No I don't think you're stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking"

"Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says ""Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here."""

"Did you hear the joke about the sewage back-up at the juice bar? No? Well, that's okay. It had a shitty punch line."

"Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us."

"What do people from Cape Cod say to their butts? Hyannis"

"I think if my rich neighbor realized just how great of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation."

"I'm not saying I'm bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot. In other news, I might not know what bilingual means."

"Thank God football is back on. I've been watching baseball for months and it's only the 7th inning."

"My cousin: ""i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!"" Me: ""some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me"""