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Joke of the Day

"If men call short women ""petite"", what do women call short men? ""friends"""

"[every 3 hours] You know what screw it jm going to treat myself"

"I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn't violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship."

"me: Dave's coming over wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer? *Dave walks in wearing an ""I Beat Cancer"" shirt*"

"'NSFW' Why didn't Mrs. Claus ever have kids? Because Santa always comes down the chimney."

"My girlfriend asked me how much we would spend at our wedding. Me: I don't want to spend very much. Her: I want it to be a ten thousand dollar wedding. Me: Okay, so you, can do that then."

"Hey girl, can I have a pizza? Pizza that ass."

"I don't know how I feel about masturbation anymore... On one hand, it's pretty good. On the other hand, it's a little awkward."

"I wanna die by getting stuck my lightning Shocking, I know."

"Remember April showers bring May flowers. But, Mayflowers being smallpox."