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Joke of the Day

"I heard Hillary paid a touching tribute at the 9/11 memorial... ...she collapsed."

"Paint thinner? Bullshit. Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat."

"The American education system. That's it. That's the joke."

"A Limerick There once was a barmaid in Salles, On her chest wrote the price of ale. And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille."

"I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa's lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas... The more you know."

"[dies and goes to hell] me: ""mom? dad!? what are you doing here!"" dad: ""we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."""

"There's a cool sport called Volcano Diving..... You'll only do it once."

"I log in facebook to see that everyone is at the bar... I go to the bar to see that everyone is on facebook."

"[On couch, notices it's 6pm] Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8. *Notices it's February* OH SHIT"

"[job interview] ""So do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?"" Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?"