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Joke of the Day

"How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share."

"What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don't take me for granite!"

"I tried taking Viagara the other day... I must not have swallowed it fast enough, because man oh man was my neck stiff!"

"Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles..."

"[at the gym] Trainer: ""Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are."" Me: ""Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."""

"Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election! As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican"

"""I'm a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he's known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars."""

"Difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong-un. One is tyrannical and ruthless dictator, who destroys each and every opposition and other is supreme leader of North Korea."

"What does smoking a cigarette and eating a pussy have in common? [NSFW] The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt."

"I like my women like I like my computer Turned on On my lap And virus free"