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Joke of the Day

"Someone stole your tiny Stradivarius? Aw, poor baby, I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you. It's, uh, a different one. Gotta go."

"I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, ""What's up Abdul, won't it start?"""

"The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number."

"When is a train being polite at dinner time? When it choo's quietly."

"What's the difference between a cunt punch and fisting? pants"

"HR: know why you're here? Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter Union: well..unsafe..but fired? HR: the candy cutter's name is Trish"

"Why are storm troopers so clingy? Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you."

"Reportedly Wayne Rooney said to Roy Hodgson ""I don't know if I'm better on the left, middle or right"" Hodgson responded ""Shut up and pick a seat on the plane Wayne"""

"I need a new waffle iron. These waffles are still wrinkled."

"What's good on pie, but not on pussy? Crust."