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Joke of the Day

"My Grandma told me today that men were much more charming when she was young... I told Grandma that that was because they aren't trying to fuck her anymore."

"I liked that new movie about the masseuse. It had a happy ending."

"My friend, upon hearing that Chris Pratt will be in the new Jurassic World film... Are you looking forward to Jurassic Parks and Recreation?"

"I'm being sued by some atoms I think the court case will go fine, though. The judge knows they make everything up."

"The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone"

"I wanted the day off work today so I phoned my boss to tell him I was sick... He said ""You don't sound sick."" I said ""I'm fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?"" Well... I got the day off."

"Isn't it annoying when you're having dinner with your in-laws and they don't exist because no one loves you enough to marry you?"

"Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps They're losing their cool!"

"I started a joke but I need help completing it. Two quadriplegics walk into a bar..."

"Her: OMG you're alive!!! I heard you bought the farm! ME: No no, I bought ""a"" farm. HER: but I told everyone you're dead! ME: That's fine"